With cold and flu season upon us, and dealing with sick kids, I decided that I guess it’s time to talk about this - the thing I haven’t really talked to many people about. The thing I’m not sure I want to share with the world. But I’m going to.
Anxiety.
Even now, this is hard for me to write about. But if it’s hard for me, it’s probably hard for others. And maybe putting it out there can help others - so here it goes. Until about a year ago, anxiety was something I never really experienced or understood. I knew other moms who were facing it and worked with high school students who were dealing with it, but until you live something, it can be hard to empathize. The tricky thing I’ve observed about anxiety is that it can present very differently for different people. For some, there are clear triggers. For others, it can creep in without warning or cause. But the reality is, many people are living with it, so it’s time we talk about it and normalize it.
It sounds so silly to even say it, but my anxiety is about sickness - in particular, stomach bugs and vomiting. It’s something I’ve always hated, but that’s pretty normal. No one likes being sick. What’s not normal is the way my fear and panic about getting sick began to consume me last year.
A few days before Christmas last year, my youngest daughter, then one, got sick. Panic set in. My mind started going down a path of worry. What if the rest of us got sick? What if we were sick for Christmas? What if we couldn’t go spend the day with our family? What if my husband had to take time off of work? What if I was home alone with the girls and got sick myself? The reality is, all of these questions have pretty simple answers. I could rationalize that even the worst case scenarios really weren’t that bad. Someone could cover my husband’s shift. We could always open presents another day. For the most part, these stomach bugs are brief! It would be okay. And it was. My daughter was better. Christmas went on as planned. All was good.
Then, a few days later, my husband wasn’t feeling too hot. We had an upcoming wedding that I was the matron of honor in, and my thought process started all over. What if I got sick too? What if I couldn’t be in the wedding? What if I let my best friend down? What if I had to leave the wedding for a sick child? Again, all of these answers are pretty simple. It would be okay. People would understand. But it was like something started to take root inside of me.
Over the next few months, I began thinking about sickness daily. Hourly. I’d hear about another child at daycare going home sick, and the fear would set in. Colleagues in my office would be sick, and I would worry. I’d even read about acquaintances on social media being sick, and it would start the panic process. I couldn’t focus on tasks at hand. I went into a fog and couldn’t be present as I was consumed with anxious, irrational, spiraling thinking. As a well-educated, rational person, it drove me nuts! I knew the odds of me and my kids getting sick were actually pretty small. I knew that even if they got sick, it would be a short term problem. I knew there could be so many worse things to happen to my children and family, so I absolutely could not understand why this fear of a stupid stomach bug was causing such a disproportionate feeling of anxiety. I talked myself through all of these logical counterarguments, but the fearful thoughts were constant. And spiraling. They were consuming me.
And what’s worse is that my thoughts became actions. I wasn’t eating. The anxiety and the fear of getting sick kept me picking at small meals, cutting back on portions, eating bland foods. People kept complimenting me for losing weight, but I didn’t feel good about it. Maybe the anxiety was making me lose my appetite. Maybe my eating was subconsciously something I could control when I felt like my anxiety was something I couldn’t. I’m not totally sure, but I was the smallest I’d been in my adult life. Many people would be ecstatic about that, but I felt awful. Finally, all within the same week, my husband, sister, and best friend told me I needed some help. Asking for help isn’t something that comes easily to me. I am usually the helper. But I did it. And a year later, I’m proud to say that my anxiety is pretty much in check - that I have more control over it than I ever thought I could. So did help?
Therapy. Disclaimer: Therapy might not be for everyone and more importantly, not every therapist is for every person. But I took a leap to try, and I’m glad I did. The truth is, I didn’t connect with the first therapist I spoke with at all. I didn’t schedule another session. I thought maybe therapy wasn’t the right approach to my anxiety, but a month or two after that session, when my feelings weren’t getting any better, I tried someone else, and I’m so glad I did. It was a completely different experience that renewed my willingness to open up. So if you do give therapy a try - for whatever reason! - don’t be afraid to shop around until you find someone you actually connect with.
Honesty. I had to be honest with myself and others. As a strong, confident, successful woman, I spent a lot of time downplaying the anxiety I was feeling and the impact it was having on me on a daily basis. Until I was able to own the reality of my anxiety and actually talk about it, I wasn’t able to take the right steps to deal with it. I also had to be honest with the people closest to me so that they could support me. It felt embarrassing to talk about something so small causing a problem so big in my life. Even my husband hadn’t realized how much my fears were eating at me, but when he knew, he was on board to help in any way he could - including using lots of hand sanitizer!
Self-Exploration. Through therapy, discussion with my closest people, and writing, I’ve been able to process a bit of what I’m feeling and realize that my anxiety about sickness has some other roots in control and my fears of not having control over some things - like me or my kids getting sick. I’ve also focused on what I can control and have tried to get some self-care back into my life - things like getting on the elliptical, doing some writing, or getting a massage - all of which help to keep my anxiety at bay.
Exposure. I’m lucky to have pretty healthy kids, but guess what? They’ve been sick over the past year! And in those few times, I’ve had an opportunity to work on coping strategies and to face some of those fears I developed. I want to model my behavior for my children, so I’ve worked on being calm in those situations - even if it’s just on the surface - and what I’ve learned is that how I act often becomes how I feel (there’s lots of research on this!). The more I force myself to act calm, the more I actually feel that way!
Support. My husband, best friend, and sister all stepped in when I needed them too. They said the hard things I needed to hear, then were there for me whenever I needed them. If the important people in your life are concerned, try to listen. Also, in addition to a great therapist, I have awesome doctors for myself and my kids so that when issues do arise, I have a medical professional I can talk to and trust.
I’m sharing my story because I want people to understand that what they see on the surface is often not reality. If you know me in person or follow my social media, you see one side of me - a school leader who’s working on a PhD and posting perfectly edited professional pictures of her family. You wouldn’t likely peg me as someone who deals with anxiety, but the idea that anxiety has “a look” is a notion we’ve got to break down. Anxiety can impact those who are successful, who may seem to have it all together. It can present itself in all kinds of people and can look different for everyone. For some, it may be much more severe that what I’ve experienced - for others, less. And my list of what worked for me is just that - a list that worked for me. Or rather, is working for me. Let me keep that in the present tense. I can’t pretend like my anxiety is magically gone, but I can say that I’ve done work and I’m still working on it. And that’s important to know - it is work. It can be hard. But it can be done. So to anyone feeling ready to confront feelings of anxiety, please know a few things.
It’s okay to feel how you feel - even if it seems irrational or inappropriate.
It’s okay to say how you feel - even if you think it’s so weird or embarrassing.
And finally, it’s more than okay to ask for help - even if you’re the one who is usually giving it.