Like honestly, how cute is it when babies start to talk? When they finally pick up on words and phrases? When they actually use them in context? Yeah, it’s adorable - and awesome. And that’s the phase we’re going through with Grace, my second baby. She’s nineteen months, and in the past few weeks it’s felt like this total boom of language. She’s learning a lot - and she’s also mimicking a lot. I remember when Abby (now 3.5) went through this phase, I started to be very conscientious about this. For example, probably like many women (and maybe some men, too), I can sometimes speak negatively about myself - particularly my physical appearance. I look huge in this. My thighs are too big. My hips are too wide. Blah, blah, blah. I could dedicate an entire blog post to this idea of self-deprecation and the societal norms for women, but I won’t digress. Anyway, with Abby I remember thinking that if she heard those things, I would be the one laying the foundation of self-criticism for her - that I would be the one drawing up the standards for how she should or shouldn’t look. Now, I know that sadly, she’ll get this from society anyway, but I don’t want her to get it from me. I don’t want that kind of toxicity to be her norm or to come from her mother.
So fast forward to Gracie and my refresher course on mimicking behaviors. The thing is, Grace has a bit more, well, sass than Abby. This girl has a strut. Now I know this sass will take her far in life, but we’re also entering a phase in which she’s got to realize that some of her behaviors just aren’t going to fly - you know, like hitting me in the chest, then laughing and saying, “Funny!” Uh, no. Not funny, G. So as we try to parent through this, my husband and I try to share the specific behavior we disapprove of and have Grace say she’s sorry for that specific behavior. Well, her language is certainly developing, but not enough to use that kind of detail yet, so she can say, “Sawwy, Mama. Sawwyyyyy!” (Translation: “Sorry, Mama! Sorry!”), and we fill in the rest. But what I noticed this week, was that she started saying sorry a lot. Sometimes for little things, like bumping into me or dropping her cup, and other times for nothing at all. I wouldn’t give a reprimand or show disapproval of any kind, but she’d be apologizing. I chalked it up to learning a new word, but as I kind of stewed on this, I noticed the same kind of behavior with Abby, little apologies all. the. time. And as I thought about where they’d be getting this from, it all became pretty clear. Yup. Me.
I’m probably a little heightened to this because I just finished reading Rachel Hollis’ Girl, Stop Apologizing. (If you haven’t read it, get it now! Amazon Prime that! Or get to the library! Or message me and borrow mine!) But her point is pretty clear - we as women apologize for way too much based on the norms and stereotypes that society sets for us. Don’t misunderstand - my kids need to know how to apologize, and that it’s completely unacceptable for them to be little jerks (which they can be sometimes), but they also need to know that they don’t have to apologize for everything.
I’ve noticed this phenomenon outside of my children. One of my strongest coaching memories was working as an assistant to a male head coach who was one of the first people who really brought this to my attention. He told this college softball team one day that they’d be running laps for every time someone said they were sorry. I saw the looks of shock and confusion on our players’ faces. I myself thought, What’s so wrong with saying sorry?! But he went on to explain how much he’d seen female athletes apologizing - over-apologizing. I remember him saying, “Say you’re sorry to me when you run over my cat, not when you miss a ball you busted your ass to get to.” And even after being prefaced with this, our team still had a very hard time curbing this response - this habit, for lack of a better term. And for me, I couldn’t believe that I was in my mid-twenties really just noticing this for the first time.
And now here I am, almost ten years later getting a little gut check. Taking a little self-inventory and working on my own self awareness. Because I do it, too. One thing that hit home most for me in Girl, Stop Apologizing is not to apologize for your accomplishments - “Don’t downplay what you’ve achieved because it makes others feel uncomfortable.” I’ve got another post coming that dives into this more deeply, but I do this more often than I’d like to admit. I tell people I work at a high school, not that I’m the assistant principal. I tell people that I’m still in school, not that I’m a semester away from my Ph.D. I tell people I have speaking experience, not that I was my college commencement speaker or that I’ve spoken at national conferences. Why? Why do I do this? Because I’m afraid my achievements will be perceived as a lack of modesty? Because I’m worried about being judged by my age? Because I don’t want to be seen as a one-upper? I don’t know. But I know it has to change. Because what I do know is that I don’t want my girls to be afraid to share what they’ve achieved or earned. I don’t want my daughters to apologize for their accomplishments.
Now, don’t get me wrong, when my girls are jerks, you’d better believe they’re going to be apologizing. When they do something mean or nasty or dishonest, you can bet there’s a sorry coming. But what I’m realizing as I hear my baby girl say, “Sawwy, Mama,” is that I don’t want apologizing to be a habit for my girls, especially when it’s completely unnecessary. My girls will not apologize for falling short when they’ve tried their best. My girls will not apologize for making others uncomfortable because of their strength or their power or their abilities. My girls 100% will NOT apologize for being themselves. And that starts with me.
